How To: Heal Our Relationship to Intimacy

By Dr. Timaree Schmit

The painful, beautiful reality of intimacy is that it requires closeness with another being, achieved through mutual vulnerability. We share the ability to deeply wound each other and trust that we will not. Tim Kreider, essayist and cartoonist, sums it up best: “If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

Some people fear being abandoned, judged, or betrayed, which keeps them from diving deeply into relationships with others. There is a sound but tragic logic that no one can hurt you if you avoid becoming genuinely invested in anyone. 

It can be equally appealing to maintain an invulnerable façade if we’ve been raised to be strong and show no weakness, or if we’ve been hurt before. Once we’ve experienced the searing cut of disloyalty, or been discarded, it’s logical to decide to never allow ourselves to be open to that kind of damage again.

Why, then, would anyone pour more good energy into intimacy after such a wounding? 

It’s no coincidence that the places where we are most susceptible to hurt are those that give us our most profound experiences of happiness. Perhaps it’s optimistic, foolish, or a remnant of our needing others to survive, but we are more capable of appreciating elation after we’ve known the agony of loss. As Kahlil Gibran writes, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

And what does that look like, on a practical level?

First, we must admit our fragility: we need connections with others, and meaningful relationships necessarily involve risk. As Brené Brown writes: “Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

Second, we can blend logic with emotion: feelings are real and important but also impermanent. Ask yourself: What evidence can I trust, and what patterns can I observe to inform my decisions? 

Finally, we can remember that love is a daily choice. Love can be a decision that we make over and over again. Every interaction that we have creates an opportunity to erode, maintain, or build intimacy.