Dear Buddha Baby

I can still remember that woman’s voice

I was affected by the sounds of a Mother’s cry

At Sundown,

The Sunset on her son’s life

All I could hear was:

Not My Baby!

She screamed it on repeat

And I couldn’t retreat from what felt like a bad Omen

And that wasn’t the first one

 

I was bombarded with thoughts as long as the legs of centipedes

Crawling across my memories

Triggering the traumatized pieces of me 

 

You think she felt my energy?

The random Sis at Burlington Coat Factory

She said it so casually

But I know she was speaking facts to me

When she approached me that day

Smiled & stopped to say 

“God Loves You”

 

And almost as if God knew

Her benediction scarcely made it through

I literally saw a Billboard sign 

Quoting the same line:

“God Loves You”

I was feeling out of my mind

For when I looked up again,

It wasn’t there a second time…

 

Another day with an eerie encounter

Sitting at the diner’s counter

I ordered my breakfast

A short stack with fruit dressings 

My RBF hid my distress, as I tried to absorb the cook’s happiness

As he put my appetite to the test, 

Betting that I couldn’t get through his big pancakes & their fluffiness  

So I stuffed my face to stop from crying

For surely a good pancake can soothe a heartache,

Refocused on winning and finished my plate

 

I was told the spotting was just implantation

The severe cramps were my body adjusting

Their difficulty finding the heartbeat was the baby’s heart synchronized with mine

The empty sack was just too little and early on for anything to show

But as the saying goes…

A Mother knows.

 

As I sat alone in the hospital room waiting for my emergency ultrasound

I was affected by the sound of a Mother’s Cry

At Sundown, she lost her Son

Her tears felt like an Omen

And it wasn’t the first one…

 

I went to breakfast to soothe my aches with pancakes

Stuffed my face to stop from crying

Over how many times the OB continued trying to find my child’s heartbeat

 

But the messages of Love God let me see

Were sent to hold me over 

For the worst was still before me

 

June 25, 2009

I still haven’t forgiven the sun for its radiant shine

I was living out a scene from a movie

As the sonographer administered my latest Ultrasound

She stared at the screen

Unqualified to speak to me about what she’d seen

She excused herself to call the doctor

That day, Michael Jackson’s death wasn’t the only shocker…

 

Buddha Baby

Inability to determine the Sex

No amniotic fluids

Overdeveloped Kidneys

No Lungs

Placenta Previa

No expectation of Life outside of the womb

No sliver of hope after a second opinion

 

I had to make a judgment call

That would leave me scarred no matter which side I’d fall

 

But I couldn’t imagine my heart recovering from the hurt

If I have to plan for a death on the same day I gave birth

So I walked through the protestors as I arrived for my final appointment

Imagine my disappointment when they still refused to share my child’s gender

So many more moments of my experience are just as painful to remember

 

But as I reflect in 2022

All I can think about is what if Roe vs Wade didn’t exist and I couldn’t have made this decision with you?

 

This piece is published as part of Love Now Media’s Poet’s Press. Poets have been trusted voices for generations, giving impassioned contextual voice to critical issues of the times. As storytellers, their words often help society to further process and digest the news providing empathetic nuance to reporting done by journalists. The Poet’s Press contributors deliver views of life through a uniquely transparent lens while exploring critical issues connected to wellness, equity and justice.