I can still remember that woman’s voice
I was affected by the sounds of a Mother’s cry
At Sundown,
The Sunset on her son’s life
All I could hear was:
Not My Baby!
She screamed it on repeat
And I couldn’t retreat from what felt like a bad Omen
And that wasn’t the first one
I was bombarded with thoughts as long as the legs of centipedes
Crawling across my memories
Triggering the traumatized pieces of me
You think she felt my energy?
The random Sis at Burlington Coat Factory
She said it so casually
But I know she was speaking facts to me
When she approached me that day
Smiled & stopped to say
“God Loves You”
And almost as if God knew
Her benediction scarcely made it through
I literally saw a Billboard sign
Quoting the same line:
“God Loves You”
I was feeling out of my mind
For when I looked up again,
It wasn’t there a second time…
Another day with an eerie encounter
Sitting at the diner’s counter
I ordered my breakfast
A short stack with fruit dressings
My RBF hid my distress, as I tried to absorb the cook’s happiness
As he put my appetite to the test,
Betting that I couldn’t get through his big pancakes & their fluffiness
So I stuffed my face to stop from crying
For surely a good pancake can soothe a heartache,
Refocused on winning and finished my plate
I was told the spotting was just implantation
The severe cramps were my body adjusting
Their difficulty finding the heartbeat was the baby’s heart synchronized with mine
The empty sack was just too little and early on for anything to show
But as the saying goes…
A Mother knows.
As I sat alone in the hospital room waiting for my emergency ultrasound
I was affected by the sound of a Mother’s Cry
At Sundown, she lost her Son
Her tears felt like an Omen
And it wasn’t the first one…
I went to breakfast to soothe my aches with pancakes
Stuffed my face to stop from crying
Over how many times the OB continued trying to find my child’s heartbeat
But the messages of Love God let me see
Were sent to hold me over
For the worst was still before me
June 25, 2009
I still haven’t forgiven the sun for its radiant shine
I was living out a scene from a movie
As the sonographer administered my latest Ultrasound
She stared at the screen
Unqualified to speak to me about what she’d seen
She excused herself to call the doctor
That day, Michael Jackson’s death wasn’t the only shocker…
Buddha Baby
Inability to determine the Sex
No amniotic fluids
Overdeveloped Kidneys
No Lungs
Placenta Previa
No expectation of Life outside of the womb
No sliver of hope after a second opinion
I had to make a judgment call
That would leave me scarred no matter which side I’d fall
But I couldn’t imagine my heart recovering from the hurt
If I have to plan for a death on the same day I gave birth
So I walked through the protestors as I arrived for my final appointment
Imagine my disappointment when they still refused to share my child’s gender
So many more moments of my experience are just as painful to remember
But as I reflect in 2022
All I can think about is what if Roe vs Wade didn’t exist and I couldn’t have made this decision with you?
This piece is published as part of Love Now Media’s Poet’s Press. Poets have been trusted voices for generations, giving impassioned contextual voice to critical issues of the times. As storytellers, their words often help society to further process and digest the news providing empathetic nuance to reporting done by journalists. The Poet’s Press contributors deliver views of life through a uniquely transparent lens while exploring critical issues connected to wellness, equity and justice.
